I write this after I have just made a healthy homemade meal. Something that seems so normal and common to most people right? Why the heck am I even writing about this? As much as I love love love to cook and experiment with new and healthy ingredients, I am still haunted by my relationship with food. Sometimes, beginning again happens everyday.
This past weekend I hit a new milestone and was able to run the farthest I have ever run. 36.8 miles. This meant a lot to me in so many ways. First of all, a year ago, and even ten years ago, I would have laughed at anyone telling me I would be capable of that. I am one that was always fearless as a child and still loves to push myself. However, I do battle some personal demons that even to this day I have to keep at bay.
Rewind back to my past struggles with anorexia and a history of self acceptance. I won’t go into the full blah story..we have all heard it before. (Sad, that so many women have walked in my shoes). However, I remember my first marathon in 2004..and I felt like crap afterward. Fast forward a few years….severely sick with anorexia and attempting a half marathon and was throwing up blood and cramping up the rest of the day. I was mal-nourished and pushing my body beyond what it was prepared for. During my out-patient treatment, I wasn’t allowed to run….I was pissed!! Probably why I left treatment early after 3 months. Where am I going with this you wonder?
This past year, moving on has been about exploring and pushing myself to new limits. A huge part of this is confronting my still struggles with getting over my past and anorexia. Some days, I am ashamed that I am 33 and still freaking deal with these issues. I have a new re- born passion for running and wanting to race faster and longer, I am learning to focus on nutrition to fuel myself and be healthier. I know I was only able to do the race this past weekend by fueling my body with 3-400 calories per hour (Thank you Spence). Ultimately, I want to be a healthy role model for my nieces and that means being honest with myself.
I have come a long ways from where I was at, but I still have a ways to go as far as being as healthy as I can be. In the past, I would beat myself up for not being perfect and punish myself for being flawed. Now, I am learning to laugh at myself and be a little easier on myself. After all, I am the only one that has to live with myself through this crazy ride..I may as well love myself. Easier said that done!
Some days are great…and then some days hit me in the face and I want to shrink with thoughts of shame and failure. However, I am slowly learning that if you don’t deal with the hard stuff..it doesn’t go away. The other day I finally realized that I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. That simple thought felt so huge!! A long way from the girl who used to wish her life away and wanted to be anyone rather than herself.
It’s always a new day to begin again:)